Dear Diary
by PorkChopSmall
Summary: Elena's diary entire after 4x09, 'O Come, All Ye Faithful' about how she feels towards the sire-bond and her emotions from being away from Damon. One-shot.


**Hi guys! So this is a little one shot I have been working on for a while and it is based after 4x09. I thought that it would be a good idea to write a diary entire from Elena's point of view about how she is feeling about her relationship with the brothers and what effect this is happening to her. The story is a mix of some of my favourite quotes as well as issues that Elena has been dealing with. **

**Anyway, hope you guys enjoy it!**

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Dear Diary,

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that we can learn to let go and things go wrong so that we can appreciate them when they're right. We believe all the lies so that we learn to trust no one but ourselves, so that one day when good things fall apart we are able to put better ones together. But what if, to me, that 'better' one is what's falling apart. What if that 'better' one was you?

Every time I see you all cool, calm and collected I lose my breath. My heart starts pounding, my throat goes dry and all I want to do is be wrapped up in your arms, for you to hold me and never let me go. But then I am all too suddenly, painfully, aware that we can never be together, not anymore. No matter how hard I try, I will never be over you no matter how many times you try to push me away. You see there's this place in me where your finger prints still nest, your kisses still linger and your whispers still softly echo. It's the place where apart of you will forever remain and I know that I will never be able to change that.

Why am I like this? I'm crying alone in a dark empty room, rocking backwards and forwards, clinging to the memory you left behind. Trying to convince myself that you didn't mean what you said. Was it true when you told me you wanted to leave and forget about you? That this was all because of a sire-bond we have? Did you really regret everything that happened between us when you said my feelings weren't real? I don't regret what happened whatsoever. I loved every moment that we spent together because I know it was real.

We haven't talked in a while nor have we seen one another. Your with Jeremy and I know that you are doing everything you can to keep him safe. I want to talk to you, sort things out, but how can talk to someone who isn't there. Only a mad person would talk to a disconnected phone or a picture on the wall. But to think that we will never share a really and happy laugh again drives me insane. Been there, done that.

Maybe I'm just screwed in the head but ever since you it seems to be going on a lot more. It'd not a great feeling, in fact it is horrible. You came into my life and made me feel special. Showed me amazing things and made me feel alive for the first time in years. A small part of me hates myself for falling in love with you, but I now realise it was only a matter of time. I'm caught in you web, with no hope of escape, but I would never change a thing.

Scared. I'm scared that I have made a big mistake, putting so much trust and faith in you. I know, deep down, that you would never let me down but ever since that night…the night I 'died'…I feel that I have changed in more ways than one. I feel like I have pushed so many people away, hurt so many friends and disappoint my family, or at least what is left of it. What must they think of me now? I'm upset with myself because I didn't have the courage to speak out to you and tell you how I really felt. All that love, lust, passion and pain, it's just all too much to bear on my own.

Sometimes I think that my memory is weak, but then when I want to forget someone like you, I find out how powerful my memory really is. Then I realise that I don't want to forget. There will always be that one thing that I never change, that one mistake I can never take back but it will always be the one memory that I would give anything to relive.

You asked be once what I wanted in my life, to which I simply replied "I don't know what I want." You told me, no, convinced me that I wanted a love that consumed me, adventure, passion and even a little danger. That's what you gave me, everything I could ever ask for and imagine. To care for someone means that you accept them in every way that they come and that is exactly what you did. To say 'I love you' is just a shell is just a shell, but to mean it is completely different. You have loved me as human and vampire, something that not everyone has been able to understand.

I'm so confused that I feel like I am going to burst! I want to let you go and I want to get rid of all this pain but I fear that I will go mad without you in my life. You might come back for me. Just maybe. If I wait a little longer, you'll come running back to me and we can go back to when we were happy together. But I am finding that this is just getting harder and harder to cope now. I keep telling myself that I don't miss you and that I don't care about you anymore in an attempt to try and control some of this pain and passion. I just hope that one day I will truly believe it. I miss you a little I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often and a little more each day.

I've been so wrong about everyone and everything that I just don't know where or who to turn to. Looking back through my previous diary, I can't believe how things have changed so much, not just between me and you but me and Stefan as well. I always thought that he was this knight in shining armour, but I now realise that when I see him now that I was barely scratching the surface. He was that book with the pretty cover, the one that I just couldn't wait to get into that I never stopped to think about what could have happened. They say that you should never judge a book by its cover, because now I have read too much of him that I just can't put him down and forget. There have been so many twists and turns in this story that now I barely recognise him as the man I love…or loved.

I can try and hide the pain I feel from others and convince them that I have moved on, but I can never deny the truth to myself on the hole that you have left in my life. I know that you miss me just as much as I miss you, but the distance that is now physically between us has been unbearable. I will also be there to catch when you fall and I know that you would do that same for me because that is the type of people that we are. We care and let our humanity get in the way, but I would never change that. We have both hurt each other so much over the last few years, but it has been what has brought us closer together. I guess that is just another test in life, to not think about the bad but all the good and what made me smile.

My love for you is real, I know that, but why don't you hold me near you anymore? You told me you would never let me go or leave me again. I can still hear your whispers in the dark, but you can never hear my screams. I'm screaming out for you, crying out your name at the top of my voice, but you never come. I know you would come if you could; touch me, hold me and kiss me like you used to. I found that I used to lose myself in you, but now without you I find myself wanting to be lost again, just so that I can find you.

Is that what's wrong with me? The fact that sometimes in life it is difficult to decide what is right or wrong; a lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear. You have always done what is best for me, regardless of how I would react but it has always been the right decision. All I know now is that I am hiding, waiting to be found. I am walking away to see who will follow. I am crying to see who will wipe away the tears and I am leaving my heart on the floor to see who will pick it back up.

Even though you and I have gone through so much together, from hate to lust to love, I can never deny that the time I have spent with you has been some of the best time of my life. But it doesn't stop me dreaming about you. I'm still at the Boarding House, claiming your room as my own because that is the one place that ever gives me comfort anymore. I still smell your scent all over the bed sheets when I curl up to sleep. It's musky with a hint of ripe fruit and oak, then coated in the irresistible smell of your cologne. I can feel your arms being wrapped around me, being able to feel your warmth and breath on my neck. Your face, I can retrace ever line, spot and perfect imperfection on you, from your tender lips and sharp teeth that would nibble wherever they could from my throat to ear and beyond. Your hands knew what to do, where to go as you caressed me in a soft and smoothing rhythm, but this is all a memory now.

When I look back on everything that has happened in the last few years, I have to say that I am really quite proud of myself. I have been played, cheated, burned, lied to and left smashed, but here I am still standing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? It will all come together soon I know it will, but I can't just sit around and wait anymore. You see, I never was one to patiently pick up the broken fragments and glue them back together again, trying to convince myself that the mend whole was as good as before. But what's broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than try to fix it.

I've always been afraid of losing people in my life that I cherish, but that is what my world has seemed to revolve around; my parents, Aunt Jenna, Uncle John, Isobel, Alaric…and myself. When I died on that bridge, I became a new person with new responsibilities, beliefs and emotions towards my goals. But most people think that these changes have brought out the worst in me, which makes me even more insecure and paranoid that everyone is going to turn their backs on me and leave. I can't lose anyone else, I just can't but I can already feel them slipping through my figures.

It's funny because someone asked me the other day if my glass was half empty or half full. I was going to say half empty, but that's not completely true because my life isn't this horrible, black void of nothing as I do have my happy moments and good times. The only problem is that they seem to fade away too fast leaving me with nothing but sorrow. So, I have decided that my glass is cracked. Yes, cracked. It gets filled up with happiness and hope, but it always ends up escaping my grasp. It always ends up empting out. It will never be half full or half empty because it is always leaking and one day soon it will get thrown away because no one wants a broken glass.

I truly believe that what we have is real, but there's that nagging doubt, as to how much of it is true love and how much is the effects of a sire bond. It's a question that's going to take these two people who do care about each other so deeply, and just put the tiniest bit of an obstacle in their path. They have to figure out how to get around it. I know what I feel is real. Deep down, I have always wanted you, needed you. But I didn't want to become her; Katherine.

I can't get you out if my head or heart. I have so many emotions running through me, I just don't know how to feel. Is that because of the sire-bond? It can't be. The bond affects how I acted, but not how I feel, that I know.

I don't really know why I am even writing this because I know that you are likely to never read it, but I had to let it all out somehow. My love for you is real and I hope soon that you will understand that. I love you, more than you could ever know.

Elena.


End file.
